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WindyShepherdHenderson
20-7-11, 18:24
When Andrea Dossena was a little boy growing up in Lodi, northern Italy, he would spend hours sat cross legged outside the cathedral on the historic Piazza della Vittoria, telling strangers how he would change the world one day, many miles away from where he now sat, in March 2009. Of course, the strangers laughed at the claims of the little boy and told him to go to school. “A correre e cagare ci si immerda i garretti,” the young Andrea would snap back. ‘By running and ************ at the same time will result in a mess.’ The strangers grew tired of the boy’s insolence and started telling him in no uncertain terms that he was deluded. “Can che abbaia non morde,” the old man who sold rosaries outside the catherdral told him. ‘The dog that barks doesn’t bite.’ Quick as a flash, Andrea would shout: “Fatti i cazzi tuoi vecchi testicoli, ca campi cent’anni.” ‘Mind your own business old ******** and you’ll live 100 years.’ Growing tired of being called ‘old bollocks’ by the young man, even the rosary seller stopped talking to him. Andrea was left alone with his thoughts.

On July 2008, Dossena arrived at Anfield for £7m and a plan a lifetime in the making was beginning to come together. The first part was to make everyone think he was *****. It was at this that he truly excelled, managing to look like a plumber who had won a competition to be a Premier League player for the day. ***** first touch. ***** passing range. ***** at tackling. Dossena managed to make Paul Konchesky look good. Well maybe not, but you get the idea. He was just really ******* ***** all the time and of course he became a bit of a joke for being so *****. And this is what a lot of people, nay, everyone (except me and Andrea Dossena) don’t appreciate; he was trying to look ***** on PURPOSE. For a laugh. He told me as much when I travelled to Naples to talk to him but I’ll get to that later.

March 2009. You may remember it for China’s first lunar probe impacting the moon. I don’t. I remember it for a ******* bat**** mental week when Liverpool beat Real Madrid 4-0 and Man United 4-1. But above and beyond this, I remember it for Andrea Dossena. For a week, he was the best player in the world. He was doing Cruyff turns and ******* Lionel Messi dribbles past World Cup winners Sergio Ramos and Fabio Cannavaro. At one point he attempted an overhead kick from HIS OWN HALF, which flashed inches past Iker Casillas’ goal. He then scored a beauty in the 87th minute. One touch. Bang. Pick that out Casillas you ****, it seemed to say. And here’s the thing. He had predicted this TWENTY years ago. On the steps of the cathedral on the Piazza della Vittoria. When he lobbed Edwin Van Der Sar in the 90th minute with a swish of that wand of a left foot, you can clearly see Dossena mouth to the camera “that one’s for you old bollocks”. I remember crying when he scored. Because Dossena had purposefully hoodwinked everyone into thinking he was absolutely ***** when in fact he was the best player in the world and by some margin. I cried at the remarkable beauty of it.

June 2011. Naples. When I travelled to the Avvocato district to research this piece, everyone I met had something to say about Dossena. Most often, I would hear him described as a ‘visionario’. In a little coffee shop on the Piazza Dante, Professor Paolo Vittorio explained to me the impact of Dossena’s conscious choice to showcase his sublime skills for just 36 minutes, over two substitute appearances against two of the biggest clubs in the world. “Andrea knew from a very early age he was blessed with a God-given talent,” Vittorio told me in impeccable English. “But he was very modest. Too modest. Rather than play beautiful football week in, week out, he decided that the best thing he could do was to condense all of his skills into essentially what was a 36-minute cameo, spread over two matches.”

When I finally met Dossena, at Napoli’s training ground, I was tense. Who wouldn’t be. I had been told by the Napoli press officer that I was to have no more than two minutes with the Italian and there was so much I wanted to ask him. When he arrived, Dossena was intense and enigmatic. He told me he still watched English football when he could and that he missed the atmosphere in the English grounds. He joked that he even missed being called a “*****, bald ******”. But when I asked him about his premonition, his face turned very serious and he held me with a powerful gaze.

“I’m from a large Catholic family. My mother and father, they worked very hard so that I could have football boots and kit. They worked from seven in the morning until eight at night. I respect them for their sacrifice. When my father saw the talent I had in my left foot, he told me that it would be wrong to humiliate the other players. He said I should let myself have one week where I show my talent but no more than this. This is why I chose the week we played Real Madrid and United. But seriously, I had always known that March 2009 would be the time. To coincide with the first Chinese lunar probe landing on the moon.” With that, Dossena shook my hand and left. I knew I’d been in the presence of greatness. And the best part is, now that I can tell his story, maybe people will finally realise what a very special talent Andrea Dossena was.

Profound.

40Yarder
20-7-11, 18:26
:D

Benny-Noons-Ghost
20-7-11, 18:27
What the **** just happened?

Midophile
20-7-11, 18:28
I feel so small now.

HelloHelloHereWeGo
20-7-11, 18:29
Haha this is a gem.

Much rather read this than "what would our best starting 11 be on a rainy day" or some of the other pre-season garbage.

Rep sir.

lfcstlouis
20-7-11, 18:29
This has to be a joke right?:eek:

BayernBru
20-7-11, 18:31
Dossena also had this to say, "Aah shut up in your face".

bigFATpaulie
20-7-11, 18:32
That is ****in mental and I loved every second spent reading.:D:D:D

bigFATpaulie
20-7-11, 18:33
What the **** just happened?

Don't know but boy am I glad someone else felt it.

BayernBru
20-7-11, 18:36
N'gogs slong is controlling Kriz, again. :eek:

N'goals wrote this.

riacan
20-7-11, 18:42
I remember when we bought him my united mates were laughing, and poking fun.

"How are you ever gonna win the league buying fat bald ******s?"

"I know he doesn't look special now, but but Rafa's the man, you'll see!"


Wish I could've seen their faces when he lobbed Van Dar Sar :(

Klopportunity
20-7-11, 19:10
Best player ever for 36 minutes? **** it why not! :scarf

Shajan
20-7-11, 19:18
Profound.

bored much ?

RedNets19
20-7-11, 19:57
That is pure genius! I knew there was something wrong when I saw Dossena tripping over his own feet - the clumsiness just didn't look natural and now I know why!

festinho
20-7-11, 20:06
This is probably the most weirdly delightful reading experience I have ever had. I don't know what to make of it but I enjoyed it.

MignoLetItBe
20-7-11, 20:09
:D

Dioltas
20-7-11, 20:14
Truly amazing article :D

Dave00
20-7-11, 20:15
I would like to know who wrote that piece as it was rather entertaining.

Oakryrch
20-7-11, 20:18
A weird but wonderful article.


I would like to know who wrote that piece as it was rather entertaining.

http://www.surrealfootball.com/2011/07/19/left-back-andrea-dossena-interview/

SixStringLuke
20-7-11, 20:18
I am not the same person anymore....

RedDylan
20-7-11, 20:23
I felt drunk reading that and I haven't even had a drink! :D

MarkoRamius
20-7-11, 20:24
This actually made me go and find his two goals against Real and Manure, and I think probably more priceless than the goals are the looks on Stevie G and Torres' faces after he scores. lol, priceless.

Dave00
20-7-11, 20:27
A weird but wonderful article.



http://www.surrealfootball.com/2011/07/19/left-back-andrea-dossena-interview/


Cheers mate.;)

HuytonHuyton
20-7-11, 20:28
Imagine if what he said to him was true, we should have a shrine to Dossena outside Old Toilet with a flabbergasted Van Der Saar staring at the heavens as the ball loops over his head!

prredhouse
20-7-11, 20:37
Have to say on first impressions that was an enjoyable load of auld ******, but it coincides with the Chinese lunar probe and really we'll know what history will remember in a hundred years time. That got me thinking, could it be true, :PN:

charmac
20-7-11, 20:41
What the **** just happened?

:D:D:D It's something like Series Seven would post, anyone remember him ?:)

Stan85
20-7-11, 21:01
That is a very good article haha! Very entertaining indeed.

What a great week that was. Battering Real and United inside a week. Great goals, performance and so much confidence flowing through the team. Truly good times.

Dossena lobing Van Der Sar :D What a goal.

wadsten
20-7-11, 21:16
What's most incredible is that it's true! :eek:

LucasAintDancin
14-5-12, 03:05
Thought I'd bump what was the best thread I've ever read on here. Epic.

GiorgosCarraGoonies
14-5-12, 03:12
Thought I'd bump what was the best thread I've ever read on here. Epic.

Thank you.

RoflKloppter
14-5-12, 03:13
Thought I'd bump what was the best thread I've ever read on here. Epic.

haha, thanks mate. Never read it.

Always knew the awkward spectacle of watching a fat balding man sprinting down the sideline was actually the grace of god in poetic motion.

LucasAintDancin
15-5-12, 02:11
haha, thanks mate. Never read it.

Always knew the awkward spectacle of watching a fat balding man sprinting down the sideline was actually the grace of god in poetic motion.
Some beautiful lines in it alright.

WindyShepherdHenderson
8-2-13, 14:21
andre dosna ynwa

Eddes
8-2-13, 14:26
You know, i come on here, add a few lines, get bored and go away again

Then there's days i come on here and totally out of the blue read something like that which makes me laugh out loud to myself and have strangers stare at me like i'm some kind of madman.

JesusOfTheJerusalemJungle
8-2-13, 14:30
andre dosna ynwa

:FP:

Jazzy-J
8-2-13, 14:33
:FP:

If you had to guess, how many facepalms have you posted this week? Not including the one you're about to give me.

JesusOfTheJerusalemJungle
8-2-13, 14:35
If you had to guess, how many facepalms have you posted this week? Not including the one you're about to give me.

Not sure, probably around 10.

If the quality of the posting was better this week it may have only been 1 or 2.

Jazzy-J
8-2-13, 14:36
Not sure, probably around 10.

If the quality of the posting was better this week it may have only been 1 or 2.

I'd guess 12. 8 of them for Mossy.

Scrams
8-2-13, 14:36
That was a bunch of crap.

JesusOfTheJerusalemJungle
8-2-13, 14:37
I'd guess 12. 8 of them for Mossy.
I bet you have been counting. :FP:

Mossy deserves it.

Jazzy-J
8-2-13, 14:38
Just counted. 32.

JesusOfTheJerusalemJungle
8-2-13, 14:39
Just counted. 32.

:D I wish.

Carlton Facepalmer
8-2-13, 14:55
Look at all the permabans in here!!

KOPGIRL1971
8-2-13, 14:59
He can sound as weird as he wants, I still fondly remember the moment when van der fart stood transfixed, as the ball went sailing high over his shoulder and into the net

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0XpnVY0hWc

1:40


Anyway, it was no more than a self-profilling prophesy - he expects to lay great in March 2009, so turns it on.
:)

Em-inLeam
8-2-13, 15:13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cev5DC5YE1M

WindyShepherdHenderson
8-2-13, 15:39
I still fondly remember the moment when van der fart stood transfixed, as the ball went sailing high over his shoulder and into the net

Eh?

-SP7-
8-2-13, 15:40
I hadn't read that before - brilliant. Thanks for bumping it.

KOPGIRL1971
8-2-13, 15:40
Eh?

Edwin Van Der Sar :)

7 Megabytes
8-2-13, 18:01
Can someone give me the York Notes summarize of that article? I'll get in trouble if I spend too much time reading it :|

TeenageMutantNinJaSkrtel
8-2-13, 20:00
Can someone give me the York Notes summarize of that article? I'll get in trouble if I spend too much time reading it :|

China shot the moon. Dossena is a prophet as well as having a left foot given to him straight from the Roman Catholic God. Just too modest to show it off.

prredhouse
9-2-13, 00:47
the same player scored for us against man ure in old toilet in that memorable match. He wont be forgotten either.

'Stim
9-2-13, 03:26
the same player scored for us against man ure in old toilet in that memorable match. He wont be forgotten either.

That was just the best. :clap: Andrea put it away so nicely too. What a day that was! :)

RiiseAgainst
9-2-13, 04:05
I remember this thread. Brilliant. :D

TheRiedle
28-3-13, 20:22
.....