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MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 17:46
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Martin Skrtel. Not to be outdone, Martin Skrtel invented the car accident.

Martin Skrtel brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Martin Skrtel can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Martin Skrtel make onions cry.

Some people say that Martin Skrtel is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Martin Skrtel shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Martin Skrtel stared evil in the face, and it backed down.

There is no Control button on Martin Skrtel's computer. Martin Skrtel is always in control.

When Martin Skrtel was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Martin Skrtel.

Martin Skrtel can sneeze with his eyes open.

Martin Skrtel is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can p*ss on whatever he wants.

Martin Skrtel can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Martin Skrtel … dies.

Martin Skrtel invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

During the Vietnam War, Martin Skrtel allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

For Martin Skrtel, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

Martin Skrtel CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Martin Skrtel enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Martin Skrtel's pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Martin Skrteltouches turns up dead.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Martin Skrtel, because Martin Skrtel killed that man.

'Brokeback Mountain' is not just a movie. It's also what Martin Skrtel calls the pile of dead strikers in his front garden.

Martin Skrtel is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Martin Skrtel rips the fool's head off.

Martin Skrtel had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Martin Skrtel to kill you...Fourty seven times.

When Martin Skrtel wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Martin Skrtel knows the last digit of pi.

Martin Skrtel doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Martin Skrtel kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.



More soon :D

Simo429
18-3-09, 17:47
this is all brand new and not in any way a rip off of chuck norris jokes you should be proud that you thought of them all yourself

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 17:48
Thankyou

ben1770
18-3-09, 17:52
this is all brand new and not in any way a rip off of chuck norris jokes you should be proud that you thought of them all yourself

Wasn't there a massive thread like this here once..... or was it on rawk? I forget. Fairly funny, all the same .

My favorite of all time is Jesus walked on water, Skyrtel swims through land.

Simo429
18-3-09, 17:53
Wasn't there a massive thread like this here once..... or was it on rawk? I forget. Fairly funny, all the same .

My favorite of all time is Jesus walked on water, Skyrtel swims through land.

it was on here about a year ago

ben1770
18-3-09, 17:54
Thats right, I remember. Initially it was a rip off of the Chuck Norris thingy.

DanLFC92
18-3-09, 17:54
it was on here about a year ago

Great thread that.

ben1770
18-3-09, 17:55
Great thread that.

It was, especially when the original stuff started getting through :)

LordJamieOfCarragher
18-3-09, 17:57
http://forums.liverpoolfc.tv/showthread.php?t=36443&highlight=Skrtel

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 17:58
Martin Skrtel was born on December 15, 1984.
Martin Skrtel is 23.
Martin Skrtel was born in Handlová, Czechoslovakia.
Martin Skrtel is 6ft 4in.

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 17:59
Martin Skrtel was born on December 15, 1984.
Martin Skrtel is 23.
Martin Skrtel was born in Handlová, Czechoslovakia.
Martin Skrtel is 6ft 4in.

martin skrtel is 24

LordJamieOfCarragher
18-3-09, 17:59
Martin Skrtel was born on December 15, 1984.
Martin Skrtel is 23.
.

That doesn't add up though! :confused:

ben1770
18-3-09, 18:00
It was a lot longer than that wasn't it? I'm sure it got up to 10-15 pages?

LordJamieOfCarragher
18-3-09, 18:00
Škrteľ started his professional career at FK AS Trenčín. He played in 45 games for them between 2001 and 2004

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 18:01
martin skrtel is 24


That doesn't add up though! :confused:

http://forums.liverpoolfc.tv/showpost.php?p=642441&postcount=1

I failed to take into account aging from when I posted this originally :D

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 18:03
http://forums.liverpoolfc.tv/showpost.php?p=642441&postcount=1

I failed to take into account aging from when I posted this originally :D

figured so


martin skrtel wanted either the number 3 or 7 shirt when he joined, he could have neither, due to finnan and kewell, and so he had the number 37 instead.

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 18:05
this is all brand new and not in any way a rip off of chuck norris jokes you should be proud that you thought of them all yourself

Another bile filled post. 28000 posts of pure garbage, congratulations. Isn't it funny how people without any funny bones in their body are the first to criticise others?

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 18:05
martin skrtel wanted either the number 3 or 7 shirt when he joined, he could have neither, due to finnan and kewell, and so he had the number 37 instead.

Silly man. Why would a big hulking CB choose 3 or 7??!

It's almost as stupid as a centre-back having #10...oh wait...

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 18:07
Silly man. Why would a big hulking CB choose 3 or 7??!

It's almost as stupid as a centre-back having #10...oh wait...

favourite numbers apparently. he was 3 at zenit as well. i think he's 3 for slovakia, cant remember off the top of my head. will see next weekend.

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 18:18
I can speak to the whole world. Everyone can hear me. I say, "if Simo459 is funnier than you shout out loud. I hear a pin drop".

Navredman
18-3-09, 19:23
Wasn't there a massive thread like this here once..... or was it on rawk? I forget. Fairly funny, all the same .

My favorite of all time is Jesus walked on water, Skyrtel swims through land.

You are right it was on here about ten pages of it :D

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 19:24
I can speak to the whole world. Everyone can hear me. I say, "if Simo459 is funnier than you shout out loud. I hear a pin drop".

I admire your commitment, but are you communist?
Communism would only work if the whole world was involved, and your theory of equal status between posters seems similar - the rep can't help your issue either.

Speaking of, -11 for this thread? So close to 3 boxes :|. It took a lot of effort to change all the names to Martin Skrtel you know.

Simo429
18-3-09, 19:25
I can speak to the whole world. Everyone can hear me. I say, "if Simo459 is funnier than you shout out loud. I hear a pin drop".

that doesnt even make sense?

do you have dyscalculia

QeSmithy
18-3-09, 19:31
I can speak to the whole world. Everyone can hear me. I say, "if Simo459 is funnier than you shout out loud. I hear a pin drop".

Wow, the irony, especially when judging a poster who started their post with irony.

Whats even more ironic is that I have now embroiled in the conversation when I have no interest in it!?

Simo429
18-3-09, 19:32
wow, the irony, especially when judging a poster who started their post with irony.

Whats even more ironic is that i have now embroiled in the conversation when i have no interest in it!?

its like rain on your wedding day

QeSmithy
18-3-09, 19:33
its like rain on your wedding day

It's a free ride when you've already paid?

Simo429
18-3-09, 19:34
It's a free ride when you've already paid?

exactly

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 19:35
Not irony Simo.

Getting stuck in traffic and being late for broadcasting a news report is irony.

irony   /ˈaɪrəni, ˈaɪər-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] –noun, plural -nies. 1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature. a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.

3. Socratic irony.
4. dramatic irony.
5. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
6. the incongruity of this.
7. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.
8. an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.

Now that's irony.

You there, are you chewing?!

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:39
search on youtube for ed byrne ironic, tis hilarious :D

Simo429
18-3-09, 19:40
Not irony Simo.

Getting stuck in traffic and being late for broadcasting a news report is irony.


wouldnt that be better if it was Getting stuck in traffic and being late for broadcasting a traffic report is irony

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 19:41
wouldnt that be better if it was getting stuck in traffic and being late for broadcasting a traffic report is irony

YOU are the work of THE SECRET SERVICES!!!!

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:43
wouldnt that be better if it was Getting stuck in traffic and being late for broadcasting a traffic report is irony

or getting stuck in traffic when you are a town planner and you are late for a meeting with other town planners where you are supposed to be telling them about how you have cut down on congestion in your area.

(credit to mr byrne ;))

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 19:43
its like rain on your wedding day

Is that the best you've got?

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 19:44
Is that the best you've got?

I suggest you take this up with Ms. Morissette.

Simo429
18-3-09, 19:44
or getting stuck in traffic when you are a town planner and you are late for a meeting with other town planners where you are supposed to be telling them about how you have cut down on congestion in your area.

(credit to mr byrne ;))

thats actually happened to me sorta

came off at the wrong exit when i was with the daughter of the bloke who planned the roundabout

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 19:45
I admire your commitment, but are you communist?
Communism would only work if the whole world was involved, and your theory of equal status between posters seems similar - the rep can't help your issue either.

Speaking of, -11 for this thread? So close to 3 boxes :|. It took a lot of effort to change all the names to Martin Skrtel you know.

Thanyou. Although I don't think communism has a lot to do with it.

ben1770
18-3-09, 19:45
search on youtube for ed byrne ironic, tis hilarious :D
It is :):)

10,000 spoons? Who the **** has 10,000 spoons? Thats not irony , thats just stupid !!! :)

Stuck in a traffic jam, when you're already late?? Thats not ironic. It would be though if you were a town planner :D

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 19:46
It's the principle, but thinking about it it is used in a completely different way. :rolleyes:

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:47
It is :):)

10,000 spoons? Who the **** has 10,000 spoons? Thats not irony , thats just stupid !!! :)

Stuck in a traffic jam, when you're already late?? Thats not ironic. It would be though if you were a town planner :D

ed byrne is aces. i'm seeing him next week, very excited :D

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 19:47
[QUOTE=Simo429;1722076]that doesnt even make sense?

do you have dyscalculia[/QUOTE

You can't teach it "simple459" it's intelligence.:fishing:fishing:fishing:fishing

ben1770
18-3-09, 19:48
ed byrne is aces. i'm seeing him next week, very excited :D

Fair play to you...... been one of the funniest guys around for years now.

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:49
thats actually happened to me sorta

came off at the wrong exit when i was with the daughter of the bloke who planned the roundabout

classic. could have been worse. could have been with the guy who planned it. or you could have planned it yourself :D

people have an annoying tendancy to take the wrong turning when i am a passenger in their car. maybe its a sign i should learn to drive, but i am lazy, and tis their fault for having a car :p

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:51
Fair play to you...... been one of the funniest guys around for years now.

he is very funny. not sure if he is the funniest. michael mcintyre is my personal favourite at the moment. hopefully he will come here on his new tour.

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 19:53
that doesnt even make sense?

do you have dyscalculia

Might not make sense to you, but you are not the brightest are you?

TheFanView
18-3-09, 19:54
Might not make sense to you, but you are not the brightest are you?

Nope he isn’t.

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 19:58
Chuck Skrtel => Irony
;)

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 19:59
Chuck Skrtel => Irony
;)

if its any consolation, i enjoyed the op. sure they might have been said about other people before. so what? doesnt mean you cant laugh/like 'em

:)

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 20:01
People don't like them. 3rd box gets further away, then closer, then further - oh dear, i've gone crosseyed

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:03
if its any consolation, i enjoyed the op. sure they might have been said about other people before. so what? doesnt mean you cant laugh/like 'em

:)

According to "simo459" he has the final word on who is funny. :fishing

Simo429
18-3-09, 20:03
Nope he isn’t.

can you be found in a thread were your not praising agger

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 20:06
According to "simo459" he has the final word on who is funny. :fishing

just cause he doesnt like it, doesnt mean you cant. be a man :D

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 20:09
can you be found in a thread were your not praising agger

What's your favourite colour malfozzy? Shall I order a teacloth of that imparticular colour for Simo to wave at you? Matador, a little taste of spain.

Simo429
18-3-09, 20:10
According to "simo459" he has the final word on who is funny. :fishing

i actually thought they were very funny the first time i read them about chuck norris

the second time i read them about skrtel they were still quite funny

now were on the 42nd time of hearing them just like what does AIG stand for or has anyone heard about aurelio getting arrested on saturday for having ronaldo in his pocket!

as for you nearly everyone of your posts have been dire and now you have a vicitim mentality but enjoy your witticisms

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:10
can you be found in a thread were your not praising agger

Can you be found in a thread were you're not trying to belittle someone?

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:11
What's your favourite colour malfozzy? Shall I order a teacloth of that imparticular colour for Simo to wave at you? Matador, a little taste of spain.

Yes, but who's winning.

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 20:12
Yes, but who's winning.

Is he? "Who" must be great.

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 20:13
Is he? "Who" must be great.

that might have worked if his grammar was wrong, but it wasnt

WindyShepherdHenderson
18-3-09, 20:17
that might have worked if his grammar was wrong, but it wasnt

It still works due to the absence of a question mark, making the sentence a statement.

Grammar? Don't mess with me ;)

skrteltheturtle89
18-3-09, 20:23
It still works due to the absence of a question mark, making the sentence a statement.

Grammar? Don't mess with me ;)

his grammar was fine. his punctuation wasnt

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:23
i actually thought they were very funny the first time i read them about chuck norris

the second time i read them about skrtel they were still quite funny

now were on the 42nd time of hearing them just like what does AIG stand for or has anyone heard about aurelio getting arrested on saturday for having ronaldo in his pocket!

as for you nearly everyone of your posts have been dire and now you have a vicitim mentality but enjoy your witticisms

I do enjoy my witicisms .Why? because I'm funnier than you, and I know it annoys you. Keep it going, I can do this all night (well until I have to speak to real people i.e. my family).

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:25
his grammar was fine. his punctuation wasnt

I have had a bit to drink now.

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:40
"simple 459"

Why have I changed from red to green? Could it be that people actually don't like you and your snide comments very much:crying

Simo429
18-3-09, 20:42
"simple 459"

Why have I changed from red to green? Could it be that people actually don't like you and your snide comments very much:crying

is it really that important to you! there you go if your that bothered ill give you some more positive rep!

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:49
is it really that important to you! there you go if your that bothered ill give you some more positive rep!

Not particularly. Just a chance to air my views without chicken nuggets (not the nice white fluffy white chicken, more the grey horrible nasty chicken) like you making stupid comments without thought.:scarf

Simo429
18-3-09, 20:50
Not particularly. Just a chance to air my views without chicken nuggets (not the nice white fluffy chicken, more the grey horrible nasty chicken) like you making stupid comments without thought.:scarf

well if you think rep makes a difference look at my number of green boxes people must value my opinion

i myself think rep is a load of ******

MexicanPiggy
18-3-09, 20:53
Same

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 20:54
well if you think rep makes a difference look at my number of green boxes people must value my opinion

i myself think rep is a load of ******

Again, not really "simple" you are part of a clique that I am trying to erradicate (get rid of). It's not that great getting good rep from the rest of the Marx Brothers.:fishing

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 21:01
well if you think rep makes a difference look at my number of green boxes people must value my opinion

i myself think rep is a load of ******

So why do you say things that you know you'll get rep for? Do you actually believe what you say?:confused:

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 21:09
What I would say to "sim429" is, be careful of who you make fun of. It may come back to bite you on the bum.:p

vonStauffenberg
18-3-09, 22:14
Malf0zzy 1 - simo429 0. Don't worry, now i've beaten you i'll start on the next bully boy.:crying

gingerwizardreturns
19-3-09, 11:49
I have tears of laughter rolling down my face at work now

TroyMcClure
19-3-09, 12:20
I enjoyed that, the definition for eradicate was a lovely touch:D

slimman
19-3-09, 12:27
Has anyone heard Skrtel talk?

I know he's taking English lessons so maybe that's why.

Simo429
19-3-09, 12:28
Malf0zzy 1 - simo429 0. Don't worry, now i've beaten you i'll start on the next bully boy.:crying

you didnt win i got bored and went to bed!

LForshC
15-4-12, 11:56
Classs! What makes this thread better is that here in 2012, the statements are only MORE true :D

1135813
15-4-12, 12:23
hahaha :D

Navredman
15-4-12, 16:09
Wasn't there a massive thread like this here once..... or was it on rawk? I forget. Fairly funny, all the same .

My favorite of all time is Jesus walked on water, Skyrtel swims through land.

Nope it was on here :scarf

LiverpoolOne
15-4-12, 16:37
Skrtel eats 'toffees' with the wrappers on!!!

YNWA