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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #601  
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    Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers.
    Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers.
    Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.



    Live every day as if it was your last........because one day, it will be.
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  2. #602  
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedTrilogy View Post
    Man gets home and tells wife, "Get me a beer before it starts" He drinks it then says, "Quick, get me another before it starts" again she gets one and he drinks it and says,Another before it starts"

    she says, "Listen here you lazy fat ******, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders......"

    He says, "****** me! It's started!"
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  3. #603  
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    Coronation Street star Michael Le Vell who plays Kevin Webster has been accused of sexual assault


    He's completely denied the allegations and says he's feeling Rosie at the moment.
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  4. #604  
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    A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

    "What did you do that for?" the man asks.
    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
    The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"


    Live every day as if it was your last........because one day, it will be.
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  5. #605  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

    "What did you do that for?" the man asks.
    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
    The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"



    ha ha! love it
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  6. #606  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

    "What did you do that for?" the man asks.
    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
    The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"


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  7. #607  
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    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the haulage company responsible for the accident to court.

    In court, the haulage company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.


    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

    ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite bull Bertie into the-" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted.
    ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"


    ''Well I had just got Bertie into the trailer and was driving down the road-''
    ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police Traffic Officer on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

    ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bertie, my prize bull, into the trailer and was driving him down the road when this huge artic crashed the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

    I was thrown into one ditch and Bertie was thrown into the other. I was in agonizing pain and didn't want to move.

    Anyways, I could hear ol' Bertie moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans.

    Shortly after the accident a armed traffic cop came on the scene. He could hear Bertie moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, the cop took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then he came across the road still with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

    He said, 'Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him. How are you feeling?'"



    Last edited by Denza Red; 18-2-13 at 17:26.
    Live every day as if it was your last........because one day, it will be.
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  8. #608  
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    Arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005 and the 'crazy frog ' was No1

    8 years on and he's still there
    Nothing is impossible whilst it's still possible..........
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  9. #609  
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedTrilogy View Post
    Arsenal last won a trophy back in 2005 and the 'crazy frog ' was No1

    8 years on and he's still there
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  10. #610  
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    Three men are wandering through the desert,hungry and hallucinating ,when then come upon a rotting dead camel.
    The first man said,"I support Liverpool so i'll eat the liver"
    The second man said,"I support Hearts so i'll eat the heart".
    And the third man said,"I support Arsenal but i seem to have lost my appetite!"
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  11. #611  
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    A chicken and a egg are lying in bed.
    The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke.
    The egg,p****d off,takes one look at the chicken,rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says,"I guess we answered that question!"
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  12. #612  
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    My Brother took being sent to Jail really badly.
    He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own s***.
    After that,we never played Monopoly again!
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  13. #613  
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    A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his Blonde Girlfriend when she piped up,"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
    "Why do you think that?" he said.
    "well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,"stit ruoy su wohs"
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  14. #614  
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    Quote Originally Posted by redz67 View Post
    A chicken and a egg are lying in bed.
    The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke.
    The egg,p****d off,takes one look at the chicken,rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says,"I guess we answered that question!"
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  15. #615  
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    Sobbing wife : 'I've just found out that my sister's been having an affair with a chimpanzee.'
    Husband : 'Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.'
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  16. #616  
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    What is pink and smells of olive?




    Popeye's ****
    Last edited by Socratease; 20-4-17 at 23:55. Reason: No.
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  17. #617  
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    When I won the Lotto jackpot,I decided to share it with my ex.

    I went,"Guess what?..I won the Jackpot you *****."
    Nothing is impossible whilst it's still possible..........
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  18. #618  
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    I got talking to a girl at the bar.

    "So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"

    I replied, "I often mislead people."

    "Really?" she asked.

    I said, "No."
    Nothing is impossible whilst it's still possible..........
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  19. #619  
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAMMA1991 View Post
    What is pink and smells of olive?




    Popeye's ****
    Last edited by Socratease; 20-4-17 at 23:56. Reason: Quote edited.
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  20. #620  
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    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    Velcro - what a rip off!
    Live every day as if it was your last........because one day, it will be.
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  21. #621  
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    There was a man at the bar with a dog. The dog was busy licking its balls.

    "I wish i could do that," said the barman.

    "Throw him a biscuit and he might let you," the man replied.
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  22. #622  
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    My next door neighbour was up until 3 o'clock this morning, banging and shouting.

    I could hardly hear myself drilling.
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  23. #623  
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    I went on a trip to North Wales coast and got lost.

    I asked a bloke how to get to Landudno, via Lanrwst and Langollen. He went mad, he said it's Llandudno, Llanrwst and Llangollen, as in Llan not Lan.

    He then said you are not from around here are you? I said no, LLiverpool
    Nothing is impossible whilst it's still possible..........
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  24. #624  
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    What happened after Cristiano Ronaldo was born?

    The midwife slapped him on the arse and he went down holding his face
    Next year will be my year
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  25. #625  
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    A ghost visits a soccer coach at his home and writes on the soccer coaches mirror in his room - "I need help in passing to the other side?"
    The soccer coach is shocked and rubs out the ghost's message and writes back on the mirror himself - "I don't know who's been coaching you soccer, because his totally rubbish, because you never pass to the other side in my soccer coaching book."
    Last edited by 10Elfrates; 28-7-16 at 17:57.
    Mourinho's the special one, Klopp's the normal one, I am the weird one!
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  26. #626  
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    A blond takes a walk along river bank, she spots another blond on the opposite bank and yells over to her how do you get to the other side the other blond yells back you are on the other side you silly *itch
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  27. #627  
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    Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
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  28. #628  
    Socratease is offline LFC Forums Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiddlerDave View Post
    Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.





    Mark Twain is an extremely important author in American literature, his son was quite a successful writer to.

    His name was Choo Choo ...


    - Choo Choo Twain!








    ,
    The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance. Socrates.
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  29. #629  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Socratease View Post





    Mark Twain is an extremely important author in American literature, his son was quite a successful writer to.

    His name was Choo Choo ...


    - Choo Choo Twain!








    ,


    Oh dear.
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  30. #630  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mouldiogs View Post
    A blond takes a walk along river bank, she spots another blond on the opposite bank and yells over to her how do you get to the other side the other blond yells back you are on the other side you silly *itch
    lol
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