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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #31  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Knock Knock
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  2. #32  
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    The Haircut

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill,and the barber replied,
    'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you.I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it
    .

    BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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  3. #33  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    Knock Knock
    I'm waiting....
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  4. #34  
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    I'm waiting....

    No-one's in to answer the knock!!
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  5. #35  
    Macho Man Robbie Savage is offline Academy prospect
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    I'm waiting....
    You're possibly a Jehovah's so we're hiding in case you are
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  6. #36  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    No-one's in to answer the knock!!
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  7. #37  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    KNOCK KNOCK x2 hard.

    Nobody is up for a decent joke.
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  8. #38  
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    KNOCK KNOCK x2 hard.
    Who is there.

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  9. #39  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luis-Sua-red View Post
    Who is there.

    The man who couldn't reach the door-bell.
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    While walking down the street one day a female MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the MP.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

    The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
    They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
    They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the lift rises.
    The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

    "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

    They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    She reflects for a minute, then the MP answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.

    The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning.
    Today you voted for us!"
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  11. #41  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    While walking down the street one day a female MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the MP.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

    The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
    They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
    They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the lift rises.
    The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

    "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

    They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    She reflects for a minute, then the MP answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.

    The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,
    "Yesterday we were campaigning.
    Today you voted for us!"
    Can't rep twice, repped the previous one.
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  12. #42  
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    Can't rep twice, repped the previous one.

    Have some green anyway!
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    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to wind down her window.

    The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!

    "I've pulled you over for speeding, .... could I see your drivers license please...?"

    "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your insurance and MOT..." asked the cop.

    " Insurance and MOT..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

    After some more fumbling, she found the insurance and MOT. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

    The officer radios into the control to run a check on the woman's license and insurance and MOT.

    After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

    "Yes...." replied the officer

    "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

    "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

    "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your kecks..."

    "WHAT!!? I can't do that. It's..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

    "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license, insurance and MOT and drops his kecks, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

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  14. #44  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    Have some green anyway!
    Looks like you shifted me a green block.

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    Official language of the EU

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

    The agreed plan is as follows:

    In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

    By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    Ater zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer ...

    ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    Official language of the EU

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

    The agreed plan is as follows:

    In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

    By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    Ater zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer ...

    ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
    Brilliant
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  17. #47  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    Official language of the EU

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

    The agreed plan is as follows:

    In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

    By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    Ater zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer ...

    ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
    I read this in a e-mail.
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  18. #48  
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    This joke is a little outdated but what the hell you only live once right....

    It had been rumoured that Roberto Mancini is brining in some fresh faces in January.....it is said that Tevez and Lescott are fighting over them


    I'll grab my coat now
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  19. #49  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tap-In-King View Post
    This joke is a little outdated but what the hell you only live once right....

    It had been rumoured that Roberto Mancini is brining in some fresh faces in January.....it is said that Tevez and Lescott are fighting over them


    I'll grab my coat now
    Thanks for sharing it,hadn't heard it earlier...
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    Quote Originally Posted by LFCDynamic View Post
    Thanks for sharing it,hadn't heard it earlier...
    has this been said? sorry if it has I didn't read all the jokes
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  21. #51  
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    Official Announcement:

    The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Flag to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
    A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of knobs, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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    Dont know if this has already been posted sorry.


    Manchester United fans caught destroying their season tickets.
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    the ****** scum on channel 5.
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  24. #54  
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    Thumbs up
    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
    pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
    drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife.
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
    morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
    His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
    down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
    should be ashamed of yourself!"
    The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
    the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
    husband.
    "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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    Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when the first one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
    The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condoms, and put the cigarette butts in, roll it up and dispose of it later.;
    The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
    'You get them at the chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
    The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
    'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'What can I do for you today?'
    'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
    The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
    'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
    the pharmacist was truley flabbergasted by this time was almost afraid to ask more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
    'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large and the big liar size.'
    The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certian, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?'
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  26. #56  
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    Previous Joke
    Next Joke
    Technology problems
    One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

    The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

    "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

    After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

    "She leaves her name," was the reply.

    After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.

    "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

    "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

    Another problem solved.
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    According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

    "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
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  28. #58  
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    Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
    Paddy Englishman says:
    "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 300 quids worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in!"
    Paddy Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker:
    "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
    Paddy Irishman nods wisely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber:
    "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife recently left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a c**k!"
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  29. #59  
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    What did Saddam Hussein's son say on his first day of school?

    I've forgotten my Baghdad.
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    Happy New Year everyone!

    I know Im early, but I suffer from premature congratulation.
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