Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
I went on a date this evening.
I said, "So, are you a vampire?"
"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.
I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"
I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.
Twenty seconds into it my c*ck went floppy.
She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"
"Of course I can" I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison.. The headline said. "Small Medium at Large".
Wife treats her hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.
At the the club:
Doorman says: Hi Jimmy, how are you.?
Wife asks how does he know you.?
Jimmy says: Oh dear , I play football with him.
Inside the barman says: The usual Jimmy.?
Jimmy says to his wife: Before you say anything, he is on the Darts team at the local.!
Next a lap dancer says: Hi Jimmy, do you crave the special again.?
The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi....
The driver says: "Hey Jimmy-boy, you picked up an ugly one this time!"
Jim's funeral is this Saturday!!
little johnny was playing on his new bike on boxing day when he was pulled up by a policeman on horseback.
"nice bike" says the policeman, "did you get it for christmas"?
"yes" johnny proudly replies
"well" says the copper, "next time, ask santa to make sure it has a rear reflector on it" and hands johnny a £5 fine.
"nice horse" says johnny, "did you get it for christmas"?
"yes" chuckles the policeman.
"well" says johnny, "next time, tell santa the ****** goes underneath, and not in the saddle"
Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
A pirate at the local bar discusses his past
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
If you liked that joke, check out this one.
If their name is on the clock, their too young for your ****.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
I am writing this slow because I know that you canít read fast.
We donít live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I wonít be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldnít have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. Iím not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and havenít seen them since.
The weather isnít too bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we donít make the last payment on Grandmaís grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I havenít found out what it is yet, so I donít know if youíre an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, sheís going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnít get the tailgate down.
There isnít much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
A bacon, egg and a sausage walk into a bar,
The barman says "whoooa lads, hold on, we don't serve breakfast in here..."
I bought the wife a fridge for Christmas this year.....
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it .......:nowink:
A group of Catholic Priests were due to play a group of Rabbis in a big inter-faith game.A couple of days before the match,disaster struck the Catolic team when their star player broke his ankle.
"What are we going to do?" moaned Father Bradley.
"Well," said Father Turner. "I just happen to be a good friend of Wayne Rooney's,we could ask him to play for us."
"But that wouldn't be ethical,now would it?" said Father Bradley.
"No,but if we called him Father Rooney,no one need know," replied the other priest.
Having agreed to this devious plan,Father Bradley was then called away and was unable to watch the match.However,as soon as he could he phoned Father Turner for the result.
"I'm afraid they beat us," said Father Turner, "Six-Nil,"
"But how come?" we had Father Rooney on our side."
"Yes," said Father Turner,"But they had Rabbi Reina and Rabbi Suarez playing for them.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
A zookeeper starts work at his new job on a Friday to break him into things before a fresh week. For his first duty he is sent to clear out the aviary.
He is happily sweeping away when suddenly he hears a "crunch". To his dismay he looks down to find he has accidentally trodden on & killed a rare finch. Not wanting to get in trouble he panics, scoops up the bird & throws it in the lion enclosure, the hungry lion gobbling it up. He returns to his supervisor, and for his next duty gets send to feed the chimps in the chimp house. He starts to play with the chimps throwing them fruit, letting them swing off his broom. In his exuberance however, he manages to knock a chimp off balance that falls awkwardly from a tree & breaks his neck. "Oh no" he thinks .. "I've killed 2 animals on my first day .. I'm bound to get sacked".
So again, while nobody is looking he picks up the chimp & throws him in the lion's enclosure where the lion gobbles him up. Sheepishly he returns to his supervisor, who unknowingly is pleased with his work. For his final task of the day the supervisor sends him to the beehives. The zoo keeps its own bees to sell honey in the shop. His task is to collect the honeycombs to make the honey. This time all seems to be going fine, until a bee gets inside his mask. Frantically he trys to swat the bee, but topples over onto the hive, smashing it & crushing all the other bees!
To avoid the sack once more, he scoops up the crushed bees & throws them to the lion. Next day, there's a new arrival at the zoo ... a mate for the lion. "What's the food like here ?" asks the new arrival. "Oh, you know" says the lion... "Just the usual Friday stuff... Finch, Chimp & Mushy Bees..."
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