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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1 Reina The Joke Thread 
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    I would start off but, my joke just got banned from sickipedia
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  2. #2  
    WilbertoSilva is online now First team regular
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    Magic tractor drives down a lane and turns into a field.

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  3. #3  
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    Quote Originally Posted by kate08 View Post
    I would start off but, my joke just got banned from sickipedia
    I thought i was the only one who went on that site but obviousl not...
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  4. #4  
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    Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone.
    When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "I've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house.
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  5. #5  
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    How do you make Lady Ga Ga angry..........poke her (poker) face.
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  6. #6  
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    I think there was a GD joke thread a while back. Anyways:

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
    All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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  7. #7  
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    A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

    The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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  8. #8  
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    My joke thread got me an infraction for every post I made.
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Suicide.
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  10. #10  
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    Quote Originally Posted by BorisTheBlade View Post
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Suicide.
    Why can't a chicken cross the road without his motives being questioned ?
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  11. #11  
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    This isn't a joke. This is real.

    So when I was in about year 1 or 2 I asked my teacher:

    Miss can I go weewee, I'm bursting

    She said only if I can recite the alphabet first.

    I said: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ

    She said: Where's the P?

    I said : Halfway down my leg miss

    Had to stand in naughty boy corner. After I went to the toilet of course.
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  12. #12  
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    Quote Originally Posted by liverpools-number-9 View Post
    I thought i was the only one who went on that site but obviousl not...
    Best site ever
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  13. #13  
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    Quote Originally Posted by walshycork View Post
    Best site ever
    I loved it untill i saw the sick hillsbrough jokes on there then i stoped going
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  14. #14  
    arwales (R.I.P) is offline Academy prospect
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    What did the tomato priest say at the start of mass?

    Lettuce pray.



    I'll get my coat.
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    Arsenal are still in the title race.
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  16. #16  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    I read these in a thread called Football Jokes, by Boston-Sox, all credit to him/her.

    Gary Neville,Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney were set to face a firing squad in some small Central American Country.Gary Neville was the first one placed against the wall.Just before the order was given to shoot he yelled out,'EARTHQUAKE!' The firing squad fell into a panic and Gary jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
    Michael Owen was the next to be placed against the wall.The firing squad was reassembled and Michael pondered over what he had just witnessed.Again just before the order to shoot was given,Michael yelled out, 'TORNADO!!' Again the firing squad fell into a panic and in the confusion Michael slipped over the wall and escaped.
    Wayne Rooney was the last to be placed against the wall.Already he was thinking,I see the pattern here,just scream out something about a disaster and skip over the wall and escape.Wayne confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad assembled for the third time. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled 'FIRE!!!'
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  17. #17  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    I read these in a thread called Football Jokes, by Boston-Sox, all credit to him/her.

    Three Liverpool Fans and three Man Utd Fans are travelling by train.At the station,the three Man Utd Fans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Liverpool Fans buy only a single ticket. 'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Utd Fans. 'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
    They all board the train.The United Fans take their seats but the three Liverpool Fans cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
    Shortly after the train departs,the conductor comes around collecting the tickets.He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'ticket please'. The door opens just a crack and a arm appears with a ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on.The United Fans agrees it is a clever idea.So, on the return journey,the United Fans decide to copy the Liverpool Fans.When they get to the station , they buy a single ticket but to their amazement the Liverpool Fans don't buy a ticket at all. 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the United Fans. 'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
    When they board the train the three United Fans cram into a toilet whilst the three Liverpool Fans cram into one nearby.
    The train departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Liverpool Fans leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the United Fans are hiding.He knocks on the door and says,'Ticket please......'
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  18. #18  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    I read these in a thread called Football Jokes, by Boston-Sox, all credit to him/her.


    A Liverpool Fan walking along Southport beach one day found a bottle.He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a Genie.
    'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there is a catch,'
    'What's the catch?' the Liverpool Fan asked.
    The Genie replied; Every time you make a wish, every Man Utd Fan in the World will recieve double the wish you were granted.'
    'Well, I can live with that! No promblem!' replied the Liverpool Fan.
    'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.
    'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!'
    whoosh! A Ferrari appeared in front of the Liverpool Fan.
    'Now every Man Utd Fan in the World has two Ferraris,' Said the Genie. 'What is your second wish,'
    'I'd love a Million Pounds,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
    WHOOSH!! One Million Pounds appeared at the Liverpool Fan's feet.
    'Now Every Man Utd Fan in the World has Two Million Pounds,' said the Genie.
    'Well,that's OK, as long as I've got my Million,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
    'What is your third and final wish,?' asked the Gernie.'
    The Liverpool Fan thought long and hard,and finally he said.........
    'Well,you know,I've always wanted to donate a Kidney........
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  19. #19  
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    Your joke got banned from sickipedia? That's some achievement.
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  20. #20  
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    Bumped into an old mate yesterday that I hadn't seen for a year or two.

    I asked him what he was up to these days.

    "Cooking meals for druggies, the homeless, alcoholics and all of those on benefits", he said.

    "Do you work at a Drop-In Centre", I asked.

    "No, " he said "I'm a chef at Wetherspoons".

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  21. #21  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Denza-Red View Post
    Bumped into an old mate yesterday that I hadn't seen for a year or two.

    I asked him what he was up to these days.

    "Cooking meals for druggies, the homeless, alcoholics and all of those on benefits", he said.

    "Do you work at a Drop-In Centre", I asked.

    "No, " he said "I'm a chef at Wetherspoons".

    someone still goes to sickipedia
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  22. #22  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    2 colleagues are sitting and chatting with each other.
    One of them is really happy while the other is trying to act like he is.
    The happy one notices, and asks, "What's bothering you?"

    He says, "I screwed my patient today..."

    "It's ok we all screw our patients sometimes,we find hot ones, and it happens, you don't have to feel guilty..."

    The sad one thinks for a while, and says;

    "Yeah, the only problem is.... we're Vets!"
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  23. #23  
    LFCDynamic is offline Newcomer of the Year
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    Manure fan walks into an electronic shop wearing his manure jersey, and asks the shop owner, "How much is that tv?"

    Shop Owner: "Sorry I don't serve Scum".

    The manure fan, walks off, and comes back within an hour wearing a Fulham jersey.

    He asks the shop owner, "How much for that tv?"

    Shop Owner replies: "Sorry I don't serve scum".

    The fan walks off again, and comes back, with a Bob Zamora costume, he asks the shop owner, "Oi, how much for that television?"

    The Shop Owner replies: "Sorry I don't serve scum"

    The fan walks of swearing again. He cross-dresses, and goes to the same shop the next day and asks the shop owner: "How much for that tv hon?"

    Shop owner : "Sorry I don't serve scum"

    Now the fan gets nuts, and screams: "How did you know, each and every time!!!??".

    Shop owner: "That's not a television, that's a microwave"
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  24. #24  
    Yoda In A Skoda is offline Academy prospect
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    How do I make my penis 10 Inches long?

    By folding it in half.



    I would also like to congratulate Theo Walcott on winning the formula 1.
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  25. #25  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ngog-Is-Brilliant View Post
    How do I make my penis 10 Inches long?

    By folding it in half.

    I would also like to congratulate Theo Walcott on winning the formula 1

    Funny as Hell..
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  26. #26  
    Yoda In A Skoda is offline Academy prospect
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    Yeah I like those jokes.

    I remember I posted a joke on Sickipedia.

    It got positive straight away lol.


    Can't post it on here as it mentions Rape.
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  27. #27  
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    How does Batman's mother call him in for tea?
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    She doesn't. She was murdered.
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  28. #28  
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnPtolemy View Post
    Manure fan walks into an electronic shop wearing his manure jersey, and asks the shop owner, "How much is that tv?"

    Shop Owner: "Sorry I don't serve Scum".

    The manure fan, walks off, and comes back within an hour wearing a Fulham jersey.

    He asks the shop owner, "How much for that tv?"

    Shop Owner replies: "Sorry I don't serve scum".

    The fan walks off again, and comes back, with a Bob Zamora costume, he asks the shop owner, "Oi, how much for that television?"

    The Shop Owner replies: "Sorry I don't serve scum"

    The fan walks of swearing again. He cross-dresses, and goes to the same shop the next day and asks the shop owner: "How much for that tv hon?"

    Shop owner : "Sorry I don't serve scum"

    Now the fan gets nuts, and screams: "How did you know, each and every time!!!??".

    Shop owner: "That's not a television, that's a microwave"
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  29. #29  
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    So,this guy,Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny piano and a little guy a foot tall.The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully .The fellow on the next bar stool,Joe,says,'That's amazing.Where did you get him?'
    Bill says,'Well,I got this magic lamp with a genie.'
    'That's great,' says Joe. 'Could I use it?'
    Bill says,'Sure,' and hands him the lamp.
    Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie.Joe says,'I want a million quid.' Suddenly the room is filled by a million octopuses! Joe yells 'Hey! I asked for a million QUID! not SQUID!'
    'Yeah,sorry about that,the genie is a bit deaf,' says Bill.'You don't think I really asked for a 12" Pianist,do you?'
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  30. #30  
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    As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

    She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move",

    "Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing",

    "Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black",

    "It is" I said,

    "No, it isn't" she said,

    "You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed, "You can stick the ******* chessboard up your arse".
    Last edited by REDFAN; 21-9-11 at 11:19. Reason: don't try to avoid the swear filter!
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