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Thread: MACGERRARD: A Scouse Tragedy (and other stories) - postes frome Ye Olde Forums

  1. #1 Default MACGERRARD: A Scouse Tragedy (and other stories) - postes frome Ye Olde Forums 
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    Look what I found!

    Talalay
    Kopite
    Posts: 2030
    Registered: Oct 2001
    posted 24 June 2004 12:07 PM
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I'M PUTTING IT BACK ON - MODS!!! IT IS NOT LIBELLOUS OR OFFENSIVE - EVEN THIRD PAUL LIKES IT! ASK HIM BEFORE YOU DELETE IT!
    MACGERRARD – A SCOUSE TRAGEDY
    Based upon the play by William Shakespeare
    Adapted by Peter Kenyon
    Produced by Roman Abramovich

    ACT 1 SCENE 1
    In West End London. Thunder and Lightning.

    [Enter three Witches.]

    FIRST WITCH.
    When shall we three meet again?
    In Vercase, Dolce Gabbana’s or Harrods?

    SECOND WITCH.
    Anywhere but ******* Huyton, can’t stand that hole.

    THIRD WITCH.
    That will be ere the set of sun.

    FIRST WITCH.
    Where the place?

    SECOND WITCH.
    Upon the Stamford Bridge. Where Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

    THIRD WITCH.
    There to meet with MacGerrard?

    FIRST WITCH.
    Nah, I got to pick up my Franks Laundry. He’s been hovering through the Fog and Dirty air again.
    [Witches vanish.]
    ACT 1 – SCENE 2
    Stamford Bridge.

    [Thunder. Enter the three Witches.]

    FIRST WITCH.
    Where hast thou been, sister?

    SECOND WITCH.
    Sorry bout that, but there was this DEAD wicked pink outfit in-.

    THIRD WITCH.
    Show me, show me!

    FIRST WITCH.
    Here I have my Frank’s footie shorts,
    Wreck'd as homeward he did come.

    [Drum within.]

    THIRD WITCH.
    A drum, a drum!
    MacGerrard doth come.
    ALL.
    Alright La!

    [Enter MACGERRARD and CARRAQUO]

    MACGERRARD.
    So foul and fair a day I have not seen, not since we last beat the Scum at Old Trafford anyways la!

    CARRAQUO.
    Hey… who are these funny lookin’ birds?
    That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth,
    Upon her skinny lips:--you should be women,
    And yet your beards forbid me to interpret
    That you are so.

    MACGERRARD.
    Speak, if you can;--what are you? …Ey… ‘ang about… One of thems MY bleedin’ missus!

    FIRST WITCH.
    All hail, MacGerrard! hail to thee, Captain of Anfield!

    SECOND WITCH.
    All hail, MacGerrard! hail to thee, Captain of Chelsea!

    THIRD WITCH.
    All hail, MacGerrard! that shalt be king hereafter!

    CARRAQUO.
    Do what?

    FIRST WITCH.
    Hail!

    SECOND WITCH.
    Hail!

    THIRD WITCH.
    Hail! And I can go shopping with my fellow witches forever more!

    FIRST WITCH.
    As for Carraquo! He is Lesser than MacGerrard, and greater.

    SECOND WITCH.
    Not so happy, yet much happier.

    THIRD WITCH.
    Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none:
    So all hail, MacGerrard and Carraquo!

    MACGERRARD.
    EY up tell me more!
    By Shankly's Ghost I know I am Captain of Anfield;
    But how of Chelsea? That would be Terry,
    A prosperous gentleman; good hard tackler too.
    Upon this blasted Bridge you stop our way
    With such prophetic greeting?--Speak, I charge you.

    [Witches vanish.]

    CARRAQUO.
    Mad mares! What a load of…
    MACGERRARD.
    Steady on! Careful what you say about my missus
    CARRAQUO.
    Have you eaten on the insane root
    That takes the reason prisoner…or summat like that?

    MACGERRARD.
    You heard! They said I would be King like!

    CARRAQUO.
    There so happens to be a hallowed turf down the L1 where you already are king!

    MACGERRARD.
    And Captain of Chelsea too; went it not so?

    CARRAQUO.
    Have you gone round the bleedin’ pipe or what?

    [Enter TERRYROSS and LAMPARDUS.]

    TERRYROSS.
    The king Abramovich hath happily receiv'd, MacGerrard,

    LAMPARDUS.
    We are sent to give thee, from our royal Russian master, thanks;
    who will pay thee… Oh will he pay thee BIG time!

    CARRAQUO.
    What, can the devil speak true?

    MACGERRARD.
    The Captain of Chelsea lives: why do you dress me
    In borrow'd robes? They’re not from Versace are they?

    CARRAQUO.
    The instruments of darkness tell us truths;
    Win us with HONEST title, to betray's
    In deepest consequence.--
    Cousin, a word, I pray you.

    MACGERRARD.
    [Grabs Carraquo by the throat] Ah what would you know?!!? You’re jus’ jealous!

    CARRAQUO.
    Do not do this thing my Captain… Your people need you to lead them at this time more than ever!

    MACGERRARD.
    If Abramovich will have me king, why, Chelsea may crown me!

    CARRAQUO.
    Like those strange garments, your missus keeps buying I beg you - cleave not to their mould!

    MACGERRARD.
    Come what come may,

    CARRAQUO.
    Worthy MacGerrard, now is the time to…
    MACGERRARD struts off

    MACGERRARD: Hey Terryross! Lampardus! Tell us more, maybe’s we can get all get together tonight… I’ll bring the missus like!

    CARRAQUO shakes his head

    MACGERRARD:
    Till then, enough.--Come, my new friends.

    [This message has been edited by Talalay (edited 24 June 2004).]

    [EXIT.]
    Last edited by tweepie; 4-7-13 at 22:48.
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  2. #2  
    tweepie is online now LFC Forums Moderator
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    Background:

    Talalay was a poster on here who used to write skits based on popular works of fiction, films or TV shows.

    She's not been on here for years and sadly her threads have been culled in many forum upgrades but the OP has thankfully found this little gem from the summer of 2004 when our captain was being courted by Chelski the first time.

    Oh how hindsight makes this even better to read!
    YNWA
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  3. #3  
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    Quote Originally Posted by tweepie View Post
    Background:

    Talalay was a poster on here who used to write skits based on popular works of fiction, films or TV shows.

    She's not been on here for years and sadly her threads have been culled in many forum upgrades but the OP has thankfully found this little gem from the summer of 2004 when our captain was being courted by Chelski the first time.

    Oh how hindsight makes this even better to read!
    I was just posting something to this effect.
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  4. #4  
    tweepie is online now LFC Forums Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Error404PosterNotFound View Post
    I was just posting something to this effect.
    If you find any more, please post them here.
    YNWA
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  5. #5  
    hobnobs is offline May contain sarcasm
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    Another one.


    “RAFFY WONKA AND HIS KOP FACTORY!”

    BASED UPON THE CHILDREN’S BOOK ‘CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY’ BY ROALD DAHL


    SCENE 1

    5 EXCITED CHILDREN WAIT OUTSIDE THE GATES OF ANFIELD – GOLDEN SEASON TICKETS IN HAND

    THEY LOOK UP IN AWE AT THE GATE BEARING THE IMMORTAL WORDS ‘YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE’ AND THEN OVER TO THE STATUE OF THE GOD-LIKE WILLIAM SHANKLY

    THE FIVE CHILDREN FROM LEFT TO RIGHT – AUGUSTUS CHEYROU, VIOLET VIGNAL, VERUCA LA TALLEC, DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE AND OWEN BUCKET BEGIN TO JUMP UP AND DOWN IN EXCITEMENT AS THE ANFIELD GATE OPENS AND A MAGICAL FIGURE IN A PURPLE TOP-HAT AND TAILS APPROACHES – IT IS NONE OTHER THAN MR. RAFFY WONKA!

    RAFFY WONKA
    Ah, how fantastic to see such delightful and promising talent! Welcome to my magical kop factory! We at Anfiled are much imitated but never equalled as bitter rivals old Ferguslug and Wengerwarts can testify!

    VERUCA LATALLEC
    Well my daddy is friends with Mr Assbramovitch and my Daddy says his brand new factory is solid gold and its a squillion times bigger and better than your stinky old Kop!

    RAFFY WONKA REGARDS THE CHILD WITH A LOOK OF SYMPATHY

    RAFFY WONKA
    You must be Veruca La Tallec, Yes? I hear you are quite the demanding child are you not?

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    That’s me!! And I don’t ever ask for any more that’s not mine by divine right so you just do your job and play me week in week out and make me captain and then you won’t have my daddy to answer to!

    LA TALLEC SNIFFS AS DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Well you can jus’ go an tell yer stupid old dad to stick 18 league Championships and 4 European cups in his pipe and all the gold in Russia won’t buy that!

    RAFFY WONKA SMILES

    RAFFY WONKA
    And you must be little Danny Me-birds-on-teevee? My, but what a remarkable and intelligent young lad you are!

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Thank you very much Mr. Raffy Wonka Sir! All I want to do is my best for you sir!

    RAFFY WONKA
    But of course you do!

    THE FIVE CHILDREN GLANCE AROUND NERVOUSLY AS A DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES

    RAFFY WONKA
    Please ignore that – Won’t you all please step right this way into my wonderful kop factory?

    THE CHILDREN CHEER

    SCENE 2

    INSIDE THE KOP IS TRULY A MAGICAL SIGHT TO BEHOLD - WALLS ADORNED WITH PORTRAITS OF KOP LEGENDS PRESS CLIPPINGS OF UNFORGETTABLE HISTORIC ACHIEVEMENTS STRETCHING AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE – AT THE FAR END OF THE ROOM LIES AN IMMENSE SILVER CABINET THAT IS BURSTING WITH CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY’S, CUPS AND MEDALS

    THE CHILDREN LOOK AROUND POSITIVELY DUMBSTRUCK

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    See that La Tallec!? I’ll bet all your stupid Mr. Assbramovitch has got in his palace is a picture of Kerry Dixon!

    LA TALLEC IS TOO BUSY LOOKING AROUND IN AWE TO REPLY

    RAFFY WONKA ARRIVES AT TWO BLUE DOORS WITH A LIGHT ON TOP AND THE CHILDREN STARE UP

    AUGUSTUS CHEYROU
    What eez it?

    RAFFY WONKA
    Stand back before I press the button children, I don’t want any of you to get hurt

    AS RAFFY BENNY WONKA PRESSES A BUTTON THE BLUE DOORS OPEN AND THE ROOM IS INSTANTLY FLOODED WITH FOOTBALLS – HUNDREDS UPON THOUSANDS OF THEM – AND THE CHILDREN ARE SOON SWAMPED UP TO THEIR WAISTS IN FOOTBALLS

    VIOLET VIGNAL
    Whaaaaa!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    Well what’s so great about that? It’s just zillions of old footballs!

    RAFFY WONKA
    Ah but not just any old footballs! (picks up a well worn old leathery ball) This is the one The Bionic Carrot put past Saint Etienne on that much celebrated night of ’77 – (picks up an orange ball) Digger buried this one past QPR in the snow – oh and here’s one you can take to your good friend Mr. Assbramovitch!

    RAFFY THROWS A ‘MITRE’ FOOTBALL AT LA TALLEC

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    What is it?

    RAFFY WONKA
    It’s the one King Kenny put past Chelsea in ’86 for the 1st half of the double!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    He’s not my friend and I don’t like him anyway

    VIOLET VIGNAL
    What eez zat strange golden glow?

    VIGNAL PICKS UP A SOLID GOLDEN FOOTBALL THAT FILLS THE ROOM WITH A SHIMMERING GLOW

    RAFFY WONKA
    Oh be very careful with that! That is the most precious of them all! 1977 vs Spurs - Dalglish to Johnson to Heighway to Terry Mac!

    ALL THE CHILDREN ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERCOME AS RAFFY BENNY WONKA WIPES AWAY A TEAR

    RAFFY WONKA
    I know, I know always it makes me feel this way too. So many beautiful balls, each and every one of them a piece of magic! A slice of immortality!

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    I can’t get over how many of them there are! What’s that funny looking big blue cupboard you keep them in?

    RAFFY WONKA
    Oh this? Why, it’s called a ‘tardis’ – where else could we fit them all?

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Hey…what happened to Augustus Cheyrou? He’s completely disappeared under all of these footballs!

    RAFFY BENNY WONKA
    Ah dear me… another casualty drowned by our rich illustrious history, always sad when this happens… let us move along children

    VIOLET VIGNAL
    Oo’ is going to clear up all of zese footballs?

    RAFFY BENNY WONKA PRODUCES A SMALL WHISTLE FROM HIS PURPLE SUIT AND BLOWS A LITTLE TUNE – A MINIATURE DOOR OPENS AND TWO LITTLE ORANGE MEN SCAMPER OUT

    MICHAEL OWEN-BUCKET
    Aah! They’re really ickle ain’t they?

    RAFFY BENNY WONKA
    Say hello to the oompah-loompahs! He is Oompahparry and and he is Loompahmoores!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    Listen to them singing a funny little tune! I want an OompahLoompah and I want one now!

    RAFFY LEADS THE CHILDREN INTO A ROOM FILLED WITH LFC MERCHANDISE

    RAFFY WONKA
    Here children – try some of these fabulous Anfield Allsorts!

    VIOLET VIGNAL
    Anfield Allsorts… What are zey?

    RAFFY WONKA
    Sweets! McAllistar Mints! Aldridge Bullseyes! Whelan Loops! …and our all time Number 1! The Clemence Everlasting Shotstopper!

    RAFFY WONKA
    Indeed, we see…what’s that noise?

    ALL TURN TO STARE AT VIOLET VIGNAL – HE IS CHOKING ON A HANSEN TOFFEE

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    He’s turning violet!

    RAFFY WONKA
    Ah… another one who cannot swallow the task ahead of him!

    RAFFY BLOWS HIS FLUTE AND OOMPAHPARRY AND LOOMPAHMOORES APPEAR

    RAFFY WONKA
    I very much regret that we have here another casualty

    OOMPAHPARRY
    Do we send him to Coventry?

    RAFFY WONKA
    Try Rangers this time!

    WHILST OOMPAHPARRY AND LOOMPAHMOORES WHEEL VIGNAL OUT VERUCA LA TALLEC SPOTS A LARGE CONTAINER MARKED “DEEP FREEZE”

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    Cool! So what happens if I press this button?

    WITH A HISS OF COLD AIR THE DOOR OPENS AND A SINISTER FIGURE APPEARS THROUGH THE MIST – IT IS EL-HADJI DIOUF AND HE IS COMPLETELY FROZEN SOLID

    VERUCA LA TALLEC, DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE AND OWEN BUCKET ALL SCREAM AS RAFFY WONKA CHARGES IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT WITH A HEAVY SLAM

    RAFFY WONKA
    Nothing to see… nothing to see here children, come along now!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    Nothing to see? Are you kidding? That was El-Hadji Diouf! You’ve totally frozen him out!

    RAFFY WONKA
    That’s not true, the guys just er ….chilling!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    And I’m next! Well forget that! I ain’t hanging around for any of this! What’s the quickest way out of this crazy kophouse!?

    RAFFY WONKA
    You want to kop out? Well, I certainly wouldn’t recommend you jumping down that garbage chute over there young man!

    VERUCA LA TALLEC
    Whatever gets me out of here will do just fine!

    RAFFY WONKA (INSINCERELY)
    No, stop… come back

    VERUCA LA TALLEC THROWS HIMSELF DOWN THE CHUTE WITH A SCREAM

    RAFFY WONKA
    Oh that poor doomed young man

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Mr Wonka Sir… that chute don’t lead to nowhere terrible do it?

    RAFFY WONKA
    I’m afraid so young Danny, it leads to St. Etienne

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Mr. Raffy Wonka Sir… I just want you to know I think this here kop factory of yours is the most wonderful amazing magical place in the whole world and I just love it here!

    RAFFY REGARDS DANNY WITH A THOUGHTFUL EXPRESSION

    RAFFY WONKA
    Danny boy, would you take a walk with me whilst we discuss your future here?

    DANNY ME-BIRDS-ON-TEEVEE
    Sure Mr. Wonka, where are we walking to?

    RAFFY WONKA
    Oh, a very charming place, it has a picturesque view, a running river, a mountain edge, a sheer drop of three thousand feet

    DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES

    RAFFY WONKA
    Of course, it’s probably best if you pretend you didn’t hear that

    RAFFY WONKA LEADS DANNY THROUGH THE DOOR AND A THERE IS SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE A LOUD SCREAM ECHOES, EVENTUALLY FOLLOWED WITH THE SOUND OF TAPIOCA HITTING A CONCRETE FLOOR

    RAFFY WONKA RETURNS WITH A REGRETFUL EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

    RAFFY WONKA
    Such a nice lad, such a shame… oh dear me I seem to have lost all of the children one by one

    OWEN COUGHS AND RAFFY WONKA SPINS AROUND

    RAFFY WONKA
    And… what’s this? …well, well… still one left… you are a very quiet, unassuming young man!

    OWEN BUCKET
    Well I figured if I just kept me mouth shut and behaved myself I’d win the whole thing

    RAFFY WONKA
    Win? Oh yes, always to win is what matters

    OWEN BUCKET
    I like to think I’m a winner

    RAFFY WONKA
    Oh you are Owen – You are an outstanding and brilliant individual… and this magical place can be all of yours to rule for as long as you want…there is however one small snag isn’t there?

    OWEN-BUCKET SLOWLY STEPS BACKWARDS AS RAFFY WONKA ADVANCES TOWARD HIM WITH AN AIR OF MENACE

    OWEN-BUCKET
    You’re right… I don’t want it…

    RAFFY WONKA
    Precisely – a brilliant individual yes – a team player, no!

    OWEN BUCKET’S EYES WIDEN AS RAFFY WONKA PRODUCES AN AXE

    OWEN BUCKET
    Get Real!

    RAFFY WONKA
    I’m afraid you are the one who is going to get Real!… Madrid Beckons… They want you Owen… you’re just the type of player they dream about! An outstanding talent nurtured and cultivated by another team to the point when all they have to do is step in with their wallet!

    OWEN BUCKET LOOKS UP TO THE SKY WITH GLAZED EYES

    OWEN BUCKET
    Raeal Madrid! Cooool!!! Then I will get to be a champion after all!

    RAFFY WONKA
    And I won’t have to suffer the same fate as my predecessor –

    OWEN BUCKET
    How do you mean?

    RAFFY WONKA
    You think I did not see the madness in Gerard Houllier’s eyes? It told me all I needed to know about the dangers of focusing the entire team around you… you and your injuries, your England priorities, the constant and relentless speculation over whether you will stay or go… The first thing I did in my new office was make a call to the Bernabau – after spinning around in my really cool chair for a bit that is…

    OWEN BUCKET
    You’re not sorry to see me go?

    RAFFY WONKA
    I am here to win! I can’t keep this factory running on memories and golden greats forever! - Ferguslug and Wengerwarts are catching up – Imagine the unthinkable – This has to be a time for new hero’s Owen… So many of the Anfield faithful prayed it would be you …and though your name may indeed be chanted in reverence someday, somewhere… it won’t be here at the Kop

    OWEN BUCKET WALKS PAST A SHRINE TO ROBBIE FOWLER… HE TURNS HIS BACK ON IT AND HEADS TO THE DOOR MARKED ‘EXIT’

    OWEN BUCKET
    I am doing the right thing though aren’t I? After all I am a winner right?

    RAFFY WONKA SMILES – OWEN EXITS

    END OF AN ERA

    *******
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  6. #6  
    Jannno is online now LFC Forums Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by hobnobs View Post
    Another one.
    Ha that's great, such a lot of work in it as well
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  7. #7  
    tweepie is online now LFC Forums Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by hobnobs View Post
    Another one.
    YNWA
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  8. #8  
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    Excellent stuff!

    I'm sure she has posted on here since tho'
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  9. #9  
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    fantastic reading ..

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