Not really sure how to spill all this or even if this is the right place, please feel free to move or delete as you feel. I apologise in advance if this ends up being a long winded post. I suppose I'm just looking for any advice from others with similar experiences or suggestions of possible alternative actions I can take.
Bit of outline history; I have two boys aged 18 and 16, an ex wife who is now in a same sex relationship (get over your giggles ) difficult at first but I get on well with them both, I am now happily remarried myself with an amazing wife who gets on fantastically well with my boys, I've had regular contact with my kids since the split ten years ago. Both boys were doing well in college and on the outside happy kids.
Things started to go wrong around September last year, the oldest boy changed, he was involved with some 'unsavoury' lads in college and his attitude was changing, becoming verbally aggressive towards his mum and partner, not turning up for college, not getting out of bed, staying out for a couple of days on end. When at home, refusing to help around the house, he developed an extremely destructive attitude. He refused to come and stay with us even for one night, (I've seen him four times since September), he doesn't turn up when arrangements were made. His 18th birthday involved a bedsit, fried chicken, drugs and cheap alcohol. When I tried to discuss things with him the insults he threw at me were so hurtful i actually drove 60 miles home in tears.
Just before his birthday he left home after a massive argument with his mother, he is now heavily involved in drugs, using and selling (cannabis, MDMA, 'legal' highs and veterinary strength valium). He had savings bonds come of age at 18 and since February he has wasted nearly £2000 on this 'lifestyle' He is sleeping on bedsit floors, hardly eating (he looks like he weighs about 8 stone and he is 6ft) he is supplementing his 'friends' habits. One positive I suppose; He is managing to make minimum attendance at college to enable him to claim certain benefits. He looks homeless which is how he presents himself.
He is a very intelligent young man who knows how to use manipulation and guilt to his benefit. I met up with him yesterday, to view a flat he had been offered: lets just say it was a hovel and no human should live in such conditions, irrelevant of the flat condition he needs me to be his guarantor., he tried to be manipulative, pouring tears, sobbing, shaking and even being sick after eating a small lunch with me. After much thought and discussion with my wife and his mum I'm refusing as I don't think it is the right thing to do, my heart wants to help him but my head knows at the moment he would let himself and me down, it isn't the money, that isn't the issue, I want our son back, I've pleaded with him to come and live with me and his step mum, get him away from the destructive life he is leading, he flatly refuses. He is on a road to self destruction and I don't know how to put the brakes on for him.
Basically my heart is breaking, am I doing the right thing refusing to guarantor a property for him, hoping that when he hits rock bottom he will need our help and we can get him sorted. My wife and ex wife think I have made the right decision but its tearing me apart. I am questioning my qualities as a father and even as a person at the moment. We moved down to a beautiful part of South Wales from Lancashire when they were tiny to give them a better lifestyle and cleaner environment to grow up in. The irony of that decision now
Thanks for getting to the end. Any advice or constructive criticism would be appreciated.